Skip to main content

Covid jail day 4- Bush fruit and shit puns

Hearing the gasps of shock upon stating that Small has been foraging for raspberries outside, gave it a fair 5 minutes before admitting that the fruit picking was from our garden. It would appear that in the 15 years that some previous owners lived here, they developed a penchant for bush fruit -snort- including gooseberries, and what I discovered following a very bitter mouthful wasn't lethal but in fact blackcurrant. What do I do with a fuck tonne of blackcurrants?


Periodically affirming that I'm not the shittest Mom in a 50 mile radius as she's feeling incredibly smug with the haul, I had to force myself not to laugh in her face as she badly washed then wolfed more than a couple of aphids along with these garden jewels. 

Day 2 of covid jail saw me in more than a small tangle. Who knew covid would give me the coccyx of an aged Chippendale and ankles of a hockey player? Maybe that's just too much enthusiasm demonstrating weird and wonderful birthing positions. In any sense I felt like dog shit and spent most of the day hiding under a curtain of Netflix and self-pity, tactfully inviting Small to go and play on her swing in the attic. I fucking love that I can legitimately write that sentence.

Yesterday saw something mildly erotic happen in my kitchen. There was a flurry of activity, gaping holes were filled, and it was all followed with self-satisfied moans of fulfilment. The obscenity of the whole thing left me feeling spent, overwhelmed and in need of a nap. Thanks to two magnificent friend-folk I have the fullest fridge I reckon I've had in years. And I'm actually excited to cook! Much to Small's protestations, she in fact having no choice but to embrace something other than the tin of beans I was hoping to trade for that post-apocalyptic prosthesis in years to come.

A haul even Jayne would be proud of!

Being able to have a conversation through the obsessively disinfected gate with one of your oldest friends that lockdown painstakingly drove a viral wedge between, was a highlight. Other than 2 minutes after the pubs reopened. The first of one of only two instances where I was Out out. Even if we couldn't give Auntie Vicki a hug, seeing that cherubic face put a distinct zing on a day where in which half was dedicated to mentally writing a defence statement for how Thing ended up in the cellar. In a world where dark humour and blogs in a digital age are the perfect recipe for losing one's registration, I shall refrain. Fuck, I've become a millennial meme-whore.




I suck at writing today, and am coming to the unfortunate realisation that maybe it wasn't worth forking out a whole £10 to renew the domain. Fat and only mildly funny... not quite the same ring to it. One of the only things that I shall persevere with. Haven't weighed self since day 1, and the list of shit to do hasn't been updated since that damn positive test. How the fuck do I even manage to adult, when everything takes a lead time of at least 10 days? Shit, and now we know why the fireplace is still dusty. Or maybe that's just me being marginally odd.

Small is practising with a gyroscope, it's like watching someone giving themselves a breather by learning trigonometry and saving string theory for a rainy day. I'm not laughing, honest! Off to mourn my paling sense of blogging-worth with purple cheese, because why the fuck not?


 








Comments

Post a Comment

Popular posts from this blog

I breastfed an abandoned premmie found wedged in a wall running it to the closest SCBU: 10 days into feeling like my soul has been pulled out of my ass.

I wake up cold and panicked, tits tingling.  The familiar nail dragging sensation only ever comparable to the oxytocin-induced equivalent of the  "not my daughter, you bitch"  gut-punch feeling of seeing your kid been punched in the face by an unnamed Shitbag at a kid's party, her Everything imploding with the resounding and soul crumbling thud- an autonomic readiness to wager the war you "never signed up for". ------ To be factual, I neither found myself walking towards the underpass, Ginnel... (Gin-uhl, jenn-ell, debate it like Yorkshire 'picky tea' on the night you perused Casualty Corner before food shop day)..... -between two Northern terraces, nor did I actually  find and/or rescue a 35 week preemie newborn swaddled in stained towels within a nook of a semi-crumbled wall alongside and leading to said 'ginnel'. Now, I wouldn't describe myself as Mother Theresa, far from it, but waking up panicking about the potential demise o...
Post a Comment
Read more

The End of Us, the Reclaiming of Me

There’s something really powerful in recognising when you need to change direction. It feels very similar to the night she left — when I walked into the Best Room, my colourful Wonderland sanctuary. A place of solace. A place of calm. I looked to the left — the antique sideboard, covered in spirits and wines and exotic liquors from different corners of the world. Then I looked to the right — where the 130-year-old piano, kindly gifted by a friend, stood silently proud, willing its kinship in that moment. Realistically, though, anything more ambitious than a scale with these currently unpractised fingers would’ve ended in an orthopaedic catastrophe. Disco Granny attempting the Macarena after 15 sherries. I looked back to the left, thinking, this would make this shit disappear for a bit… But I realised I’m past needing things to disappear now. I have to feel every atom of this if I’m going to heal. You need to be sober to feel. Rational brain kicks in: Do you really want beer...
Post a Comment
Read more

Crying into my chicken selects: the dark side of lesbian breakups TikTok doesn't show you

We've all been there haven't we? You're in love, think it's the real deal, goes a bit wrong, you convince yourself there's more fish in the sea... You then go one of two ways- 1. Throw yourself under anything with a pulse in a frantic bid for anything that makes you feel less like an alien, or 2. Do something drastic like leave the country, shave your head, become a Monk... Then cycle repeat. But what if you find yourself at an impasse and go neither way? What happens then? Well, dear Reader. This is where you find yourself in the jarring Upside Down of what-the-fuck-ery so you do now? Picture this: You respect your body and your twat a lot more than you did in your twenties, having abstained from the things that nearly destroyed you despite them being 'easy fixes'- the behaviours playing to an anthem of an initially steady (but rapidly gaining) momentum decline that would be enough to give Newton a rod on.  However, convincing yourse...
Post a Comment
Read more